my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
