Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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