My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
