I wish I could punch you in the face.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Randomize
