He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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