You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
