worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You pole danced in your parka.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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