I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
