Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
