Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
