Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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