You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
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the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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