Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
