Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
