Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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