toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
