Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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