i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
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He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
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6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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