Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
