The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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