Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
