I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she told me i tasted like america
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
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