Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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