Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
