hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
