Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
