we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
