Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
