Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
