I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
