Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
