everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
