What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
