Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
