You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
