just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
