Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
