My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
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i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
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I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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