Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba