I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
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I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
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If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me