Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
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I love how my cats smell like pot.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
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