: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.