he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
