let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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