Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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