I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
