My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
