At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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