Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
