phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
