Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
