Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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