Betty ford says i'm here all night
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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