I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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