I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
