I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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