Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
